Havent I - he thought. Havent I thought of it since the first time I saw you Havent I thought of nothing else for two years ...He sat motionless looking at her. He heard the words he had never allowed himself to form the words he had felt known yet had not faced had hoped to destroy by never letting them be said within his own mind. Now it was as sudden and shocking as if he were saying it to her ...Since the first time I saw you ...Nothing but your body that mouth of yours and the way your eyes would look at me if ...Through every sentence I ever said to you through every conference you thought so safe through the importance of all the issues we discussed ...You trusted me didnt you To recognize your greatness To think of you as you deserved - as if you were a man ...Dont you suppose I know how much Ive betrayed The only bright encounter of my life - the only person I respected - the best business man I know - my ally - my partner in a desperate battle ...The lowest of all desires - as my answer to the highest Ive met ...Do you know what I am I thought of it because it should have been unthinkable. For that degrading need which would never touch you I have never wanted anyone but you ...I hadnt known what it was like to want it until I saw you for the first time. I had thought Not I I couldnt be broken by it ...Since then ...For two years ...With not a moments respite ...Do you know what its like to want it Would you wish to hear what I thought when I looked at you ...When I lay awake at night ...When I hear your voice over a telephone wire ...When I worked but could not drive it away ...To bring you down to things you cant conceive - and to know that its I who have done it. To reduce you to a body to teach you an animals pleasure to see you need it to see you asking me for it to see your wonderful spirit dependent on the upon the obscenity of your need. To watch you as you are as you face the world with your clean proud strength - then to see you in my bed submitting to any infamous whim I may devise to any act which Ill preform for the sole purpose of watching your dishonor and to which youll submit for the sake of an unspeakable sensation ...I want you - and may I be damned for it