contiguous adj.I felt silly for even mentioning it but once I did I knew I had to explain. When I was a kid I had this puzzle with all fifty states on it--you know the kind where you have to fit them all together. And one day I got it in my head that California and Nevada were in love. I told my mom and she had no idea what I was talking about. I ran and got those two pieces and showed it to her--California and Nevada completely in love. So a lot of the time when were like this--my ankles against the backs of your ankles my knees fitting into the backs of your knees my thighs on the backs of your legs my stomach against your back my chin folding into your neck--I cant help but think about California and Nevada and how were a lot like them. If someone were drawing us from above as a map. thats what wed look like thats how we are. For a moment you were quiet. And then you nestled in and whispered. Contiguous. And I knew you understood.

abstraction n.Love is one kind of abstraction. And then there are those nights when I sleep alone when I curl into a pillow that isnt you when I hear the tiptoe sounds that arent yours. Its not as if I can conjure you up completely. I must embrace the idea of you instead.

There has to be a moment at the beginning where you wonder whether youre in love with the person or in love with the feeling of love itself. If the moment doesnt pass thats ityoure done. And if the moment does pass it never goes that far. It stands in the distance ready for whenever you want it back. Sometimes its even there when you thought you were searching for something else like an escape route or your lovers face.

The key to a successful relationship isnt just in the words its in the choice of punctuation. When youre in love with someone a well-placed question mark can be the difference between bliss and disaster and a deeply respected period or a cleverly inserted ellipsis can prevent all kinds of exclamations.

abyss n.There are times when I doubt everything. When I regret everything youve taken from me everything Ive given you and the waste of all the time Ive spent on us.

misgivings n.Last night I got up the courage to ask you if you regretted us. There are things I miss you said. But if I didnt have you Id miss more.

recant v.I want to take back at least half of the I love yous because I didnt mean them as much as the other ones. I want to take back the book of artsy photos I gave you because you didnt get it and said it was hipster trash. I want to take back what I said about you being an emotional zombie. I want to take back the time I called you honey in front of your sister and you looked like I had just shown her pictures of us having sex. I want to take back the wineglass I broke when I was mad because it was a nice wineglass and the argument would have ended anyway. I want to take back the time we had sex in a rent-a-car not because I feel bad about the people who got in the car after us but because it was massively uncomfortable. I want to take back the trust I had while you were away in Austin. I want to take back the time I said you were a genius because I was being sarcastic and I should have just said youd hurt my feelings. I want to take back the secrets I told you so I can decide now whether to tell them to you again. I want to take back the piece of me that lies in you to see if I truly miss it. I want to take back at least half the I love yous because it feels safer that way.

It scares me how hard it is to remember life before you. I cant even make the comparisons anymore because my memories of that time have all the depth of a photograph. It seems foolish to play games of better and worse. Its simply a matter of is and is no longer.

livid adj.Fuck You for cheating on me. Fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating anyway A cheater I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. The same person who thought oops hed gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Fuck you. This isnt about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned.