My sister will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesnt go away it becomes a part of you step for step breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. Thats just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined you dont get one without the other. All I can do is love her and love the world emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.

Its so curious one can resist tears and behave very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.

Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart.

Without you in my arms I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know its an impossibility but I cannot help myself.

Some of the most challenging work a suicide survivor can do is to pray. To pray fully survivors must bring all of themselves to the prayer their anger disappointment fears insecurities and whys. I bring all of me into an encounter with God aware that nothing in the human experience or the human response to the ambushes of life is alien to God.

Some part of me broke in prayer that morning and some part of me was reborn as I gave myself fully and completely to prayer and to God in that moment.

I began praying for the health and safety of my boys before each one was born. Once a week for two years prior to Josephs death I also gathered with other moms to pray for my sons and their schools and I specifically asked God to protect the health and safety of Joseph Curt and Wyatt. My prayers were not answered the way I had hoped. Despite countless prayers for Joseph to be safe God said no. His plan remains a mystery. I have had to accept that mystery and trust Him in the dark.

Father be near as we are surrounded by this cloud of deep suffering. Open our eyes to see that you are all things the light and the darkness not only those things that seem good in our eyes but the horrifying unexplainable. Wrap us up inside of the cloud and reveal the mysteries that can only be learned in places of sorrow that when we walk out we will be as Moses transformed by the shadow and beaming with the radiant light of your glory. Give us the strength to love on though our hearts are broken.

The Women in Black are Israeli Jews who meet wall in Jerusalem. They meet every Friday the Sabbath evening and pray. They begin by singing Kaddish for all the Israelis killed in the fighting in Israel that week. When they are finished they pause and read all the names. Then they turn again to face the wall and sing Kaddish again this time for all of Palestinians killed in the fighting that week and they turn when they are finished and once again recite the litany of the names of those killed.

Maybe this is a second doctoral program advanced learning about life death marriage mothering family faith patience prayer. My degree will be Doctor of Life and I will be in good company. So many of us earn our Doctor of Life degrees.