One reason why the Enemy found this so easy was that without knowing it I was already desperately anxious to get rid of my religion and that for a reason worth recording. By a sheer mistake - and I still believe it to have been an honest mistake - in spiritual technique I had rendered my private practice of that religion a quiet intolerable burden. It came about in this way. Like everyone else I had been told as a child that one must not only say ones prayers but think about what one was saying. Accordingly when I came to a serious belief I tried to put this into practice. At first it seemed plain sailing. But soon the false conscience St. Pauls Law Herberts prattler came into play. One had no sooner reached Amen than it whispered Yes. But are you sure you were really thinking about what you said then more subtly Were you for example thinking about it as well as you did last night The answer for reasons I did not then understand was nearly always No. Very well said the voice hadnt you then better try it over again And one obeyed but of course with no assurance that the second attempt would be any better...I set myself a standard. No clause of my prayer was to be allowed to pass muster unless it was accompanied by what I called a realization by which I meant a certain vivedness of the imagination and the affections. My nightly task was to produce by sheer will power a phenomenon which will power could never produce which was so ill-defined that I could never say with absolute confidence whether it had occurred and which even when it did occur was of very mediocre spiritual value.

For Mercier it was the ceremony of the mass that eased his soul the sweetish smoke trailing from the censer the ringing of the bell the Latin incantations of the priest. In Warsaw he attended early mass at a small church near the apartment once or twice a month confessing to his vocational sins duplicity for example in the oblique forms provided by Catholic protocol. Hed grown up an untroubled believer but the war had put an end to that. What God could permit such misery and slaughter But in time he had found consolation in a God beyond understanding and prayed for those hed lost for those he loved and for an end to evil in the world. Alan Furst The Spies of Warsaw

I also learned that prayer is not as much about getting God to act in certain ways as it is about getting to the heart of God and getting my heart to reflect His heart.

All the seeming coincidences .... were actually God catching me in his arms.

Holiness grants us access to Gods blessings for without itACCESS DENIED

After defending the value of prepared prayers the author cautions against over-reliance on them. Just as David could not fight in the armor of King Saul we are called to fight in the way God has equipped us uniquely.

Cheer up love. Have faith it will get better and if it dont well darlin that is what your knees are for. Pray pray pray.

Make this poor self grow less and less Be Thou my life and aim Oh make me daily through Thy grace More worthy of Thy name.

A prayer might actually be worth something to those that are doing it if they believe in it enough. Its a total waste of my time though.

In that moment I welcomed back the light and let go of the fear the feelings of unworthiness the past the loss the wallowing the grief and the anger. I let go of the illusion of control in our losses of our afflictions.