I had a dream about you. Its been a while since I could remember any of my dreams and still this one has left me with such strong impression. Even now when I am fully awake your face flashes before my eyes. Its a face I can totally relate to as if it wasnt any more yours than it is mine. Terrifying thing you know I cant say Ive felt that sort of intimacy with anyone. For a moment you knew all my secrets without me even having to tell them. For a moment I even knew them myselfWhile I was looking into your eyes I suddenly started to realize things about myself that were unspoken for years like fragments of my inner life that were deeply repressed. Its hard to distinguish if they were buried inside because dealing with them was such a dirty work or if leaving them unnamed meant that it was not possible to define them precisely enough so they would keep their true meaning. Perhaps all this life that Ive known so far was in fact no more but a dream about living. The only thing that has kept me in touch with reality was youI know it comes as a surprise and you may be wondering why it took me so long to come clean. You also may be wondering how come youve never noticed before. Ive tricked you on purpose yes and you must realize it really has nothing to do with you. Its always been me. This is why seeing you in my dream like that came out as a shock. You also must forgive me. You must forgive me because I know how it looks like that everything we ever shared was a lie and it wasntI am more of an illusionist that a deceiver but it all comes from being in fact a very private person. Even if it was true that you knew me better than anyone Id never admit it. Id rather dig my own heart out with a rotten spoon than admitting it. I may let people in my own little world occasionally but I would never let them be aware of it. I dont throw my intimacy in front of others especially when I care. The more I care the less I give away and this is something for you to understand and grant me your forgiveness. I didnt play my tricks on you in order to deceive you but rather to save myself and maybe even deceive myself as well. Ive had hidden my feelings for you so deeply that Ive learned to live with them as if any other casualty. I have done wrong to myself as much as I did to you and I dont know if I can forgive myself. So now I wonder could you forgive me without feeling sorry for me I certainly dont deserve your pity. Especially not now that I am awake.