I loved you so much once. I did. More than anything in the whole wide world. Imagine that. What a laugh that is now. Can you believe it We were so intimate once upon a time I cant believe it now. The memory of being that intimate with somebody. We were so intimate I could puke. I cant imagine ever being that intimate with somebody else. I havent been.
I had no illusions about you he said. I knew you were silly and frivolous and empty-headed. But I loved you. I knew that your aims and ideals were vulgar and commonplace. But I loved you. I knew that you were second-rate. But I loved you. Its comic when I think how hard I tried to be amused by the things that amused you and how anxious I was to hide from you that I wasnt ignorant and vulgar and scandal-mongering and stupid. I knew how frightened you were of intelligence and I did everything I could to make you think me as big a fool as the rest of the men you knew. I knew that youd only married me for convenience. I loved you so much I didnt care. Most people as far as I can see when theyre in love with someone and the love isnt returned feel that they have a grievance. They grow angry and bitter. I wasnt like that. I never expected you to love me I didnt see any reason that you should. I never thought myself very lovable. I was thankful to be allowed to love you and I was enraptured when now and then I thought you were pleased with me or when I noticed in your eyes a gleam of good-humored affection. I tried not to bore you with my love I knew I couldnt afford to do that and I was always on the lookout for the first sign that you were impatient with my affection. What most husbands expect as a right I was prepared to receive as a favor.
Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I dont think so though Im not sure if Id like to be and argh I dont think theres anything wrong with that if you like a person you like the person not their genitals.
When youre missing a peice of yourself aching gut wrenching emptiness begins to take over. Until you find the link that completes your very soul the feeling will never go away. Most people find a way to fill this void material possessions a string of relationships affairs food...I bear my soul with words for all to see.
If somebody says I love you to me I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires I love you too.