I know Im not supposed to say this but I love you.

Love as thou wilt

I used to think I knew everything. I was a smart person who got things done and because of that the higher I climbed the more I could look down and scoff at what seemed silly or simple even religion.But I realized something as I drove home that night that I am neither better nor smarter only luckier. And I should be ashamed of thinking I knew everything because you can know the whole world and still feel lost in it. So many people are in pain-no matter how smart or accomplished-they cry they yearn they hurt.But instead of looking down on things they look up which is where I should have been looking too. Because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing we all want the same thingscomfort love and a peaceful heart.

In fairy tales the princesses kiss the frogs and the frogs become princes. In real life the pricesses kiss princes and the princes turn into frogs.

Eternity is in love with the productions of time.

Love is one of the true mysteries he said at last. The truest and the deepest of all. One thing Maerad to love is never wrong. It may be disastrous it may never be possible it may be the deepest agony. But it is never wrong.

Everyone always wants to know how you can tell when its true love and the answer is this when the pain doesnt fade and the scars dont heal and its too damned late.

True love isnt expressed in passionately whispered words an intimate kiss or a embrace before two people are married love is expressed in self-control patience even words left unsaid.

Isnt it funny.Im enjoying my hatred so much more than i ever enjoyed love. Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you changes its mind. But hatred now thats something you can use. Sculpt. Wield. Its hard or soft however you need it. Love humiliates you but Hatred cradles you.

I understand addiction now. I never did before you know. How could a man or a woman do something so self-destructive knowing that theyre hurting not only themselves but the people they love It seemed that it would be so incredibly easy for them to just not take that next drink. Just stop. Its so simple really. But as so often happens with me my arrogance kept me from seeing the truth of the matter.I see it now though.Every day I tell myself it will be the last. Every night as Im falling asleep in his bed I tell myself that tomorrow Ill book a flight to Paris or Hawaii or maybe New York. It doesnt matter where I go as long as its not here. I need to get away from Phoenixaway from himbefore this goes even one step further.And then he touches me again and my convictions disappear like smoke in the wind.This cannot end well. Thats the crux of the matter Sweets. Ive been down this road beforeyou know I haveand theres only heartache at the end. Theres no happy ending waiting for me like there was for you and Matt. If I stay here with him I will become restless and angry. Its happening already and I cannot stop it. Im becoming bitter and terribly resentful. Before long I will be intolerable and eventually hell leave me. But if I do what I have to do what my very nature compels me to do and move on the end is no better. One way or another hell be gone. Is it not wiser to end it now Sweets before it gets to that point Is it not better to accept that this happiness I have is destined to self-destructTomorrow I will leave. Tomorrow I will stop delaying the inevitable. Tomorrow I will quit lying to myself and to him. Tomorrow.What about today you ask Today its already too late. Hell be home soon and I have dinner on the stove and wine chilling in the fridge. And he will smile at me when he comes through the door and I will pretend like this fragile dangerous thing we have created between us can last forever.Just one last time Sweets. Just one last fix. Thats all I need.And that is why I now understand addiction.